Hermione and Draco: Snogoholics
by blingblingbabe
Summary: Hermione and Draco fall in love...a Parody to nearly every Hermione/Draco story out there. read and review! *chapter 2 up...a new angle! a new story!*
1. Snogoholics

Hello! I've been reading all these Harry Potter stories that all have the same plot and frankly. it's getting a bit old. So I thought I'd make fun of them a bit. Now if you flame me I shall give you a cookie b/c it'll be my first flame ever.  
  
Now without further adue.  
  
Hermione Granger was standing at King's Cross Station. Her once amazingly bushy hair (which had once been considered a weapon of mass destruction by the U.N.) was now flat and shiny. Though god knows how it happened. She had sprouted up to 5'9 and had somehow gained big breasts and shapely legs.  
  
And for some odd reason every boy in Hogwarts suddenly wanted to screw Hermione. Go figure.  
  
Ron and Harry suddenly popped out of nowhere and ran over to Hermione.  
  
Ron had grown very tall and had somehow gained muscles and was now the Hogwarts man whore.  
  
Harry on the other hand was still short and skinny and had no way to become a man whore because everyone thought he was still twelve.  
  
"Harry! Ron!" Hermione squealed.  
  
"Hermione! How've you been all summer?" Harry asked while Ron hugged Hermione and accidentally grabbed her ass.  
  
"Terrific. I've become a great piece of ass haven't I?" Hermione asked.  
  
Ron and Harry nodded.  
  
********************and then.  
  
"Damn that Granger." Draco Malfoy said sitting in a compartment with Crabbe and Goyle. "She's so hot."  
  
"So what should you do." Crabbe asked, sounding unusually smart.  
  
"Hey Draco!" said some random Slytherin, sticking his head into the compartment. "I bet you that you can't get into that Mudblood Granger's panties by the end of the term."  
  
"Not now damn it." Said Draco. "I'm trying to think of a way to get into that Mudblood Granger's panties. Wait. I know! I'll make a bet! You there. Some character whose name isn't important enough to know. I'll bet you I can make Granger squeal by the end of the term."  
  
"You're on." The random Slytherin said.  
  
**********************Meanwhile.  
  
"Oh by the way you guys. I forgot to tell you! I'm Head Girl." Hermione said with a smile.  
  
"That's nice," said Ron trying not to think about the words 'Hermione' and 'Head' in the same sentence.  
  
"Why aren't I Head Boy?" Harry wailed suddenly. "I'm the main character and everything good is supposed to happen to me."  
  
"No. If that were true, you would be the man whore instead of Ron." Said Hermione, nodding.  
  
"And you can't be head boy, even though you have top marks and are the adolescent who survived, because it wouldn't work with the whole Hermione is a snot who every boy suddenly wants and Draco suddenly becomes a whimpy loser who wants to screw her plot." Said Ron.  
  
"Oh." Said Harry.  
  
"Well I wonder who the real Head Boy is." Hermione mused.  
  
Suddenly Lavender Brown stuck her head in and said, "Like, Hermione haven't you like, heard that like, Draco Malfoy is like Head Boy." And with that she scampered off.  
  
All three of the Golden Trio gasped like there was no tomorrow.  
  
"Attention students." Said some random voice magically echoing through out the train. "The Head Boy and Head Girl are to report to the front of the train for no damn reason at all."  
  
"Well I've got to go then." Said Hermione, and she skipped off to the front compartment, with her short skirt bouncing up and down showing off her knickers (or lack there of) for all the boys to see.  
  
*************************So.  
  
"Ah Hermione, my love-I mean-What are you doing here Granger?" asked Draco thinking that the whole 'I hate you' act would turn her on.  
  
"I'm Head Girl silly goose." Hermione said.  
  
"What a sharp wit you have." Draco said, moving toward Hermione.  
  
"Yes I know. And may I say you like absolutely sexy in that cloak even though I can't seen your body." Hermione whispered.  
  
"Of course you can." Draco smirked then leaned down and kissed Hermione dramatically.  
  
Suddenly Hermione broke apart from Draco and said, "No I can't kiss you. I must play the hard to get bitch and draw this worth less story out."  
  
"Well if you insist." Draco shrugged. "Then I will continue to be the cold bastard who confuses and torments you in the open but shags you and snogs you behind closed doors."  
  
"Ok." Said Hermione as they shook hands.  
  
************************Anyway.  
  
"Oh Hermione. I love you so much. Even though I'm to much of a pussy to say my feelings." Ron complained in the common room.  
  
"Well Ron. You could just tell her." Harry, always the voice of reason said.  
  
"But what if she doesn't like me? I don't think my man whorish personality could take that type of rejection." Ron whined.  
  
"Oh suck it up bitch." Harry snapped.  
  
Suddenly Ginny Weasley popped out of nowhere. Ginny had miraculously broken through her shy barrier to be an annoyingly perfect Mary Sue like creature with a potty mouth.  
  
"Hi guys!" Ginny said.  
  
Ron said hi back but Harry just gurgled and ogled Ginny's chest.  
  
"Ginny? Should I ask Hermione out?" Ron asked.  
  
"How the bloody fuck should I know. I'm not her damn best friend. I don't even know her that well." Ginny said carelessly.  
  
"Well she tells you stuff doesn't she." Harry said resisting the urge to grope Ginny.  
  
"The only thing she's ever told me is that she was going to the damn Yule Ball with Viktor Krum, and she only told me that to spite you Ron." Ginny said.  
  
But at the mention of Krum, Ron had suddenly gone into shock and was lying on the floor, twitching occasionally, muttering "no. Hermione. Mine. Krum. Go. Screw. Chicken."  
  
Ginny and Harry looked at Ron for a minute before Harry said, "Say Ginny. I've been thinking that I'm going to start becoming a man whore myself even though I look twelve. You wanna go screw in the astronomy tower even though it's not remotely romantic and we'll probably end up having to shag on a table?"  
  
"What? So we can magically start loving one another and be an excellent example of how Ron and Hermione should be, and become a pair to ask advice from?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Yes." Said Harry pointedly.  
  
"Ok." Said Ginny, and then she and Harry skipped off to the astronomy tower, hand in hand.  
  
***********************but.  
  
"Muahahahahah!" Draco said the next day in the Head Boy/Head Girl bathroom. "I think, being the smart pervert I am, I will spy on Hermione, under my invisibility cloak, taking a bath. Oh and look at that! By amazing coincidence today happened to be the day she ran out of all her other robed and is forced to wear a skimpy teddy given to her by some nameless Gryffindor a.k.a. lavender!"  
  
"You idiot I can hear you under that cloak." Hermione said, now removing her teddy not caring if Draco saw her.  
  
"Oh." Draco said, looking crestfallen. But then he got another idea. "Then now I must skip to the next stage of my plan! I must come out of hiding from under by invisibility only wearing a towel! Then I shall pin Hermione against the wall, and make my towel accidentally slip! Then I-"  
  
"Oh shut up." Hermione cut him off. "And come join me in this bath!"  
  
"Ok!" Draco said and jumped in.  
  
"Draco!" Hermione suddenly whispered. "I can't deny it any longer. I feel something for you!"  
  
"Really?" Draco asked hopefully.  
  
"No. Not really. I'm just dicking around with you." Hermione said with a smile.  
  
Then she got up, leaving a dumbfounded Draco, and walked out into the corridors naked. But seeing as Hermione had also suddenly gained a hot ass no one seemed to mind.  
  
*************************then.  
  
"Oh Harry!"  
  
"Oh! Ginny! Oh my god!"  
  
"Call me Mary Sue!"  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"Do it bitch!"  
  
"Oh Mary Sue!"  
  
****************************anyway.  
  
Hermione stormed into the common room, still naked, only to come face to face with Ron. Suddenly realizing she was naked and caring Hermione attempted to cover herself. After an awkward silence Ron spoke.  
  
"Hermione. I have to tell you something." Ron said taking Hermiones hand.  
  
"What?" hermione asked.  
  
"I love you!" Ron said. And with that he leaned down to kiss her but was cut off when Hermione said.  
  
"I'm sorry. But I just don't love you." Hermione said sadly.  
  
The violins from Psycho mysteriously played from somewhere.  
  
"You what????" Ron shouted.  
  
"I-" Hermione started but was cut off.  
  
"Fine! Then I shall go back to being a Man Whore! I will take advantage of women, screwing them dry, trying to fill the gaping hole in my heart that you have inflicted Hermione! I will only be with sluts from now on!" Ron wailed.  
  
"That would be us!" Lavender and Parvati said together with a wave while walking by.  
  
"Whoa!" Said Ron checking out Lavender's ass. "See ya Hermione."  
  
And with that he ran after the pair of girls.  
  
*********************In potions.  
  
"Harry Potter! Ten points from Gryffindor for you being to sexy!" Snape giggled.  
  
"What?" asked Harry revolted.  
  
"I mean, ten points from Gryffindor for you being to short." Snape said.  
  
All the Slytherins pointed and laughed.  
  
"But my elevator shoes were supposed to help!" Harry cried pointing to his foot tall multi colored platform shoes.  
  
"Ok. I'm assigning you all some bull shit assignment because I can. So I'm pairing you up with the most romantic possibilities. Harry and Ginny. Wait! What the hell is she doing here?" Snape said pointing to Ginny.  
  
"I'm here b/c I'm Harry's romantic possibility." Ginny stated.  
  
"Damn. I wanted to be that." Snape muttered. "Anyway. Ron and Lavender and Parvati. Crabbe and Goyle. Draco and Hermione. And blah blah blah. You other characters aren't important enough to name."  
  
So Draco and Hermione quickly joined desks and began writing.  
  
"Draco." Hermione said. "I've just realized what sexy handwriting you have. It's so small and straight and pointy. Snog me!"  
  
"Not now Hermione." Draco said. "I will just have to settle for feeling you up under the table."  
  
"Ok." Hermione said.  
  
*************************finally.  
  
"Draco. I've realized I love you more than I love my mini muffins!" Hermione said.  
  
"What?" Draco asked.  
  
"Never mind. Just screw me already!" Hermione said.  
  
So Draco did.  
  
*********************10 years later.  
  
"Wow! I'm married to my love Hermione. We have two beautiful children! And I couldn't love them more." Draco sighed. "I just wish I knew why one had red hair, and the other had black hair."  
  
O_o  
  
The End  
  
Haha. I though it was pretty funny. But I'll let you be the judge of that. Read and review please. Reviews make me fuzzy. And if you thought this was funny you need to go read Oy Angelina's Snogwarts. It hilarious. Well. Toodles! 


	2. I'm depressed! Snog me!

It occurred to me, I forgot an entire angle, I am sad to say. This world of Draco-Hermione fan fiction is divided into three separate types. One type is what I wrote about in chapter one, one type is the one I'm about to write about, and one type is a type all its own, a.k.a. the type of story that isn't cliché and is usually very good. I've made fun of the whole Hermione suddenly becomes beautiful and Draco suddenly loves her angle. So now I must play around with the whole Ron and Harry suddenly hate Hermione, and right when she feels so depressed, her and Draco are partnered for a project, and Draco magically saves her from depression. Ah the joys of cliché-ism.  
  
Without further a due, the second installment of Draco and Hermione; Snogoholics...  
  
Hermione Granger the school's bushiest haired girl wandered through the train, looking for her familiar compartment, peering in each one until she found Ron and Harry.  
  
"Oh look! It's Hermione." Harry said, wrapping his arm around his slut, err, girlfriend Pavarti Patil.  
  
Ron forever being the follower followed suit, and put his arm around his girlfriend Lavender Brown.  
  
"You know what Hermione I've been thinking." Said Ron, "Even though I've wanted to screw you for the last two years, I have suddenly decided to be a real prick and hate you. Why? Because Harry told me to! Muahahahahaha!"  
  
Hermione gasped then fainted, then popped right back up again and screamed at Harry, "why did you tell him to hate me!? You know he's such an idiot he will doing anything you say!"  
  
"Really? You think?" Harry asked as he wiggled his eyebrows at Ron, who paled.  
  
"Well you see Hermione. I came up with this amazing idea. You see I thought, what the hell, lets all hate Hermione, so maybe she can get paired up with a pale haired bastard for some bullshit project, then she can convert him to the good side, sever Voldemort's spy from the school, save the world, and get shagged all at the same time."  
  
A silence filled the compartment.  
  
"But who is that pale haired bastard Harry?" Ron asked.  
  
".......Shut up Ron." Hermione said before she stormed out of the compartment.  
  
*************************And then.  
  
"Ohhhhh." Hermione sobbed in her empty compartment, "woe is me!"  
  
Hermione waited, then banged on her compartment wall  
  
"I said WOE IS ME!"  
  
She heard some rustling on the other side of the wall, and then Draco appeared in the doorway.  
  
"What the bloody hell are you banging on the walls for?" Draco asked.  
  
"Who me?" Hermione asked.  
  
Suddenly Hermione felt amazingly rebellious.  
  
"Get out of here you...meanie!" Hermione said with a scowl.  
  
Draco let out a high-pitched gasp, "you won't get away with that one Granger!"  
  
And with that Draco ran like a little girl back to his compartment.  
  
As Draco sat fuming, a big black eagle suddenly flew in through the open window and smacked Draco over the head, knocking him out.  
  
Draco made an amazing recovery though, as people often do in fan fiction, and read the letter from his father...  
  
Dear Dracy-poo,  
  
Now son, Voldemortie, err Voldemort, wants you to be a death eater. So you have to come in some time soon and get your tattoo, robes, and free gift certificate to Evil Me, which has the latest in dark wizard fashions! And no buts either. Mother says hello, write back soon.  
  
Cheers! Luscious Lu  
  
Draco threw the letter out the window and cried out dramatically, "it's not fair! I'm pressured by my family when all I want to do is show my true colors, I'm a good guy deep down I know it! When I do something good I feel...I feel...I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! Oh so pretty and witty and gay!"  
  
"What the?" Hermione asked sticking her head in.  
  
"Don't ask." Draco snapped.  
  
"Come on. We have to go to the front, because I'm Head Girl and you are Head Boy." Hermione said, the disappeared continuing along the corridor.  
  
Draco silently followed.  
  
*********************Next.  
  
"You two will live in separate lodgings, away from your own houses." Professor McGonagall said. "You two will live together and share a bathroom even though you're of the opposite sex because I know neither of you will- well-you know."  
  
"Really? Woot!" Draco said.  
  
Hermione sat silent.  
  
*************************anyway.  
  
Hermione and Draco sat in the middle of their little common room.  
  
Hermione stared at Draco.  
  
Draco stared at Hermione.  
  
You could really feel the love.  
  
"I want some Pumpkin Ice Cream," Hermione said suddenly.  
  
"Oh my god! Are you pregnant?" Draco shouted standing up.  
  
"Um...no." Hermione said, but Draco wasn't listening.  
  
"You southern belle!" Draco shouted.  
  
Hermione sat bewildered before shouting, "it's jezebel not southern belle you prat!"  
  
"What ever!" Draco snapped.  
  
Hermione shook her head, he was worse than Ron.  
  
**********************Then.  
  
Hermione sat down at the Gryffindor table for lunch.  
  
Harry and Ron sat down across from her.  
  
"Hel-" Hermione started but she was interrupted.  
  
"You are in the same lodgings as Draco!" Harry shouted.  
  
"You scarlet woman!" Ron shouted.  
  
"You idiots! I have to be in the same room with him. He's Head Boy, and I'm Head Girl." Hermione yelled.  
  
"Oh." Said Ron and Harry together, "well we still hate you so ne ner ne ner ne ner."  
  
"Oh god." Hermione groaned.  
  
************************But.  
  
"Oooooooh. I'm so depressed. I'm so depressed. I'm so depressed so I'm singing this song!" Hermione wailed into the night.  
  
She waited a minute, and only heard snoring and faint moaning.  
  
So she pulled on her robe over her skimpy night dress, and stood outside Draco's door, pausing a minute before saying, "I'm SO depressed!!! What ever shall I do???"  
  
"Damn it Granger must you always yell." Draco asked, finally opening the doorway. "I was trying to get it on with Pansy, since she's the cheapest in our house and my allowance is low."  
  
"Oh Draco! I'm so depressed! See look! I hurt myself!" and with that she thrust her hand in Draco's face showing him a paper cut.  
  
Draco screamed like a girl, "Ah! Blood!" and then keeled over.  
  
"Damn it Granger." Pansy Parkinson said, entering the room wearing only a sheet, "he had a really good deal going! I was earning fifty dollars tonight!"  
  
"With tax deduction's you'll only be making about thirty." Hermione said matter of factly.  
  
"Ah, Fuck me, I knew I should have charged more." Pansy said as she left in the sheet.  
  
"Draco." Hermione said poking him with her foot. "Draco. Oh good lord." Hermione continued on in a loud monotone voice, "oh no. Look at that. Fluer Delacour is naked in the middle of our room. How ever did she get there?"  
  
"Where?!" Draco asked, standing up quickly.  
  
"Oh shut up." Hermione said before heading off to sleep.  
  
*******************In potions the next day.  
  
"Blah, blah, blah, Harry Potter is so sexy, blah, blah, blah." Snape rambled on.  
  
"I'm assigning you together to make the Harrywantstoscrewsnape potion, and then we will test it out." Snape said waggling his eyebrows at Harry, who turned green and fainted.  
  
"Oh all right damn it. I'll put you in pairs and you can just make the truth serum. Whiney brats." Snape muttered. "If you really hate someone, be partnered with him or her, because otherwise it ruins the plot."  
  
"Shall we get together?" Hermione asked Draco.  
  
"Sure." Draco said.  
  
They scooted their desks together and began to work.  
  
******************** But back in their common room.  
  
"Augh! This answer is wrong!" Hermione screamed at Draco.  
  
"No it isn't! The book is just wrong!" Draco snapped.  
  
"I hate you!" Hermione screamed.  
  
"Well I hate you!" Draco shouted.  
  
Hermione ran forward and tackled Draco.  
  
"You know what? I've always wanted to hear you say that. Snog me!" Hermione said batting her eyelashes.  
  
"What? Get off me!" Draco said pushing Hermione off.  
  
"You mean you don't love me??" Hermione asked, getting teary eyed, "after leading me on like that! And after all that we went through!"  
  
"What? I'm going to bed." Draco said, getting up.  
  
"Oh come on," Hermione whined. "I'm an under sexed bitch! I need to get laid. If you shag me I'll give you a cookie."  
  
"Ok!" Draco said, and he jumped onto Hermione.  
  
***********************In the bedroom.  
  
"Draco what the hell are you humming?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Draco, is that what I think it is?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I didn't know you liked West Side Story."  
  
"..."  
  
***************************** next day.  
  
"Do you know what Hermione?" Draco asked.  
  
"That you know the whole West Side Story score?" Hermione asked.  
  
"No." Draco said after a minute. "I've been thinking, that all though I really wanted some robes from Evil Me, I've decided to turn down the option of being a death eater, and join the good side."  
  
"Really?" Hermione squealed.  
  
"No. Not really. But you can come with me and be a death eater if you want." Draco said.  
  
"Oh Draco you disappoint me!" Hermione cried out, "Now I have to become the prissy bitch and turn you in! Damn you...I was enjoying being naughty."  
  
"Must you?" Draco whined.  
  
Hermione thought of how Harry and Ron had been treating her as of late.  
  
"Well although they have their knickers in a twist I must think of my family. I mean hey, who else will pay for my sex toys, err, bottle cap collection." Hermione said, beaming.  
  
Draco stared.  
  
********************After a week of shagging.  
  
"Oh all right Hermione. I'll come over to your side, but only if they pay me." Draco said.  
  
"Oh Draco I'm so happy I could screw you!"  
  
"Please do."  
  
********************A few years later.  
  
"Oh Hermione." Ginny said, "your son looks just like his father!"  
  
"Who?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Draco!" Ginny laughed.  
  
"Oh right." Hermione said quickly.  
  
"Except one thing has been bugging me." Ginny said thoughtfully, "How can a brown eyed person and a gray eyed person have two children; one with deep blue eyes and one with bright green eyes."  
  
Hermione laughed nervously, "I have no idea."  
  
The End. To me that one wasn't as funny as the first. But hey what do I know? Well I'm out of here. Read and review please! Oh and a very big thanks to all the reviewers of chapter one. 


End file.
